I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!! Gosh, it feels so good to finally be able to talk about it to people! Finally, when I meet people and they ask if we have kids, I can finally say, "Not yet, but we have one on the way!"
So I am due May 7th, 2014 and that makes me just over 13 weeks along right now (14 weeks on Wednesday! Hello second trimester!). Looks like we are going to be having a baby just a few short weeks before Matthew has finals to finish up his first year of medical school! Haha good news is, we'll be able to come to Utah for hopefully a pretty decent chunk of time over the summer while I am on my maternity leave from work!
Anyway, back to the past... As most of you know, Matthew and I had been trying for quite some time. Just over a year when all was said and done. I was obviously hoping I was pregnant, but I didn't really FEEL pregnant the way I thought I would, so I just waited for my period to start. Well... It ended up that the day my period was supposed to come came and went and nothing happened. I figured it would just be late and I didn't test until I was about 4 or 5 days late. I had bought a pregnancy test the night before and I woke up Sunday morning to take it. I was shaking SO bad and I couldn't even look at it for the longest time. I just stared at the ground trying to tell myself to expect it to be negative so I wouldn't be disappointed if it was. Well... I finally got up the courage to look and there they were! Clear as day, 2 wonderful, pink lines! I immediately burst into tears. I didn't know how to feel, to be honest with you. I was SO happy, but at the same time after what happened last time, I was SO nervous!! So I sat there for a little while, let myself have a moment and then decided I needed to tell Matthew NOW! Unfortunately, Matthew was still asleep and was getting sick, but I went against my better judgment and woke him up waving a pregnancy test in his face. Haha I should have known better, I did that to him last time too! He gets mad because he doesn't react the way he'd like to but... I didn't take it personally. I told myself I was going to surprise him this time but... when it came down to it, there was no time for that! I needed him to know RIGHT THEN! :) Oops! Maybe next time..
Well... I have been super blessed this time. I researched all of the doctors my insurance covered and tried to make the best decision for me and baby. I LOVED my doctor in Logan, and I knew I was going to have a hard time finding someone else I liked as much. Well... I made a decision and I went with Dr. Boling. He came highly recommended from a lot of med students who rotated with/shadowed him and from wives as well. I knew I wasn't going to be able to wait until 10.5 weeks again, so I called knowing I was going to ask if I could come in sometime around 8 weeks just for peace of mind if nothing else. Well... when I called to make the appointment, his nurse told me that he sees patients for the first time between 6-7 weeks along. I was SO relieved!
Well, the day for the first appointment came. I had still been feeling nauseous and everything, so I decided to take that as a good sign and I went into the appointment hopeful. Gosh, I don't know what my problem is, but I feel like I have a problem. Every time I go into a doctor's office or anywhere knowing I'm going to be getting an ultrasound, I just kind of make myself sick and freak out. I start shaking and I just get really fidgety and nervous. Matthew tried his best to make me chill, but of course it didn't work. Dr. Boling came in and luckily said we would do the ultrasound very first thing. I was only 6.5 weeks along, so I was scared he wouldn't be able to see anything and it would just worry me more. Well... the ultrasound started and after only about 10 seconds or less he said "Yep, there's the heartbeat, do you see that?" I got a huge sense of relief. I knew we weren't completely in the clear, but it was better than the last time (worst case scenario). Matt saw the heartbeat about as fast as Dr. Boling did, but I had to make them point it out to me. It was really cool. He then did the measurements and everything and it was measuring like 2 days behind or something, but that is a non-issue that early on. He told me everything looked good, but that he wanted me to come back in a week and a half for another ultrasound to track the growth. He said there wasn't really any "medical necessity", so to speak, for another ultrasound, but he wanted to do it mainly for my peace of mind since I had had a previous miscarriage. I was SO grateful for that!
6 week ultrasound! It's SO tiny, you can't even see anything! But we saw a heartbeat and that's all that matters. :)
Ultrasound #2 went great as well! Strong heartbeat, right amount of growth, and everything looked as good as expected! I still got just as nervous for that one, but that's just because, like I said, I have a problem.
8 week ultrasound. It was crazy to see how much the little one grew! It basically tripled in size, which was great!
Our second ultrasound actually came during Matthew's fall break, so his parents were out here visiting (I still have a draft of that post sitting out there waiting to be finished... Oops!). We decided that even though we were still early, we wanted to take advantage of being able to tell SOME family in person! As we were cleaning the house, getting ready for them to come over, Matthew made a comment about needing to organize the office. I have been DREADING putting that office together... So I made the comment, "No, I'm not going to put any effort towards that office, we're just going to move it downstairs and change that to a nursery anyway!". Haha so that's where we came up with the idea of how to announce (and when I say "we", I mean Matthew, the creative one. haha). When Matthew's mom walked around our house to have a "tour" of it, this was on our office door upstairs:
Matthew bought everything from Walmart, and he liked the cones the most, so I had to make sure I got a picture of them too. :)
Then whenever I announced it to anyone else, I usually just sent them one of those pictures as well. I called my mom "just to chat" like I always do. I told her that we had actually "remodeled" our office and that I would send her a picture of it and I sent her that picture while we were still talking. Luckily, she got it right away, so she opened it and was so excited! She did call me "a little trick" though. It was so fun to tell our families! We had said earlier that we were going to wait much longer to tell our families this time (like until I was out of the first trimester), but once it came down to it, we decided that we wanted to tell our families and the support if anything goes wrong is always great. We obviously felt better about getting a heartbeat and correct growth on both of our ultrasounds.
Another fun thing is that my husband is in medical school, so we get to see the baby a little more often than usual! He had to practice ultrasound before a test one day, so I went in for him to practice on me. He was finding the heart, some veins and arteries, and various organs, but after he was done with that we took a quick peek at the baby! I was just over 10 weeks along, and I couldn't believe how developed the little thing was! It was moving around like crazy too, which was SO cool for me to see. I was on a high after seeing it that time.
That was the last time I actually saw our baby, but I had an appointment at 12 weeks again and we found the heartbeat on a Doppler, which was an entirely different experience from an ultrasound. Once again, I was freaking out and holding my breath probably the entire time until Dr. Boling found the heart beat. It took a little bit longer than I thought it would, which freaked me out, but it turns out he was just having to chase the little thing around because it kept running away. There were so many weird noises coming out of that thing, I wasn't sure what I was hearing. Haha finally Dr. Boling stopped and smiled and said "do you hear that?" I said "yeah...", but I really had no idea what he was talking about. Haha then I heard it, and I just had to realize that it wasn't the sound I was waiting for. It was a ton faster than I thought it was going to be, but it was really cool!
Everything has been pretty good. I have been nauseous a lot, but I have only thrown up once (brushing my teeth, of course!). I actually was glad to feel sick, because to me it meant I was still pregnant! Just kind of a not-so-friendly reminder! :) I am starting to get chubby, so I guess you can say I'm "showing", but it's still more bloat than baby.. haha I have experienced heartburn for the first time the past couple of days. I'm pretty sure it's heartburn, at least. I had to google what it feels like to see if that's what I was feeling. Haha But all is well!
Well, I should wrap it up, but I'll finish with one more funny story. For my birthday, I told Matthew all I wanted was to go to Columbia to go shopping. My birthday was on a Friday, so on Saturday we headed out for Columbia. I was in heaven! We started off eating at Five Guys, which was so delicious, and then we headed to the mall. I was going in to all of my favorite stores and realized I wasn't going to buy anything because I would just grow out of it in a little while. So after a few stores, we decided to head to Motherhood Maternity instead. I actually liked that store! :) So I tried on and bought a few things to get my collection started for when I grew out of all of my clothes. Well, in Motherhood Maternity they have those velcro bellies you can put on to test out if the shirts will be long enough when your tummy grows. So I put on one of those and came walking out of the dressing room and asked Matthew how he liked that shirt. He looked up and did a double take and was like "holy crap!" Haha it was way funny.
Here's the picture. I look like crap, but it's still freaky to see myself with a pregnant belly!
Well, that's all, folks! My next appointment is at 16 weeks and I can't. Wish me luck! Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy! :)
Well... So much for updating our blog all the time for family! I have been a VERY busy girl! :) Ok, not really THAT busy, it's just all about priorities, right? So here I am, trying to give the most recent update of our life! Life here in Missouri is still going pretty good. We have definitely gotten into our groove and figured out our routine. I don't know that I can completely say I have the whole med school thing down, but I think we're doing a great job figuring it out. Matt has gotten through his first couple (2... maybe 3?) of block exams and has come out mostly intact. He is working so hard and studying hard basically every day, and I am very proud of him. It is nice to be living the life we were "waiting" to live for about a year. It's a good life and Kirksville is a wonderful place to be able to call home.
As for me... Things are starting to fall into place for me as well! I'm not going to lie, I would have some minor freak outs before we moved out here that I didn't have a life here and I didn't know where I would fit. I was worried I would be the youngest, the only one without kids, or even just one who didn't really have a life and was always trying to figure it out. Well... I was wrong. Things are WONDERFUL. I know I probably talked about this earlier, but I have found such a wonderful group of girls to hang out with. I have developed relationships that I know can and will last a very long time. We get together when our boys are studying late and we typically have to be told to come home... :) There is a place for everyone here. People with or without kids, people who are 20 or 30, people who stay at home and people who work... Everyone! All of my worries were completely unwarranted because everyone is so nice here. Everyone fits in.
Another thing that helped for sure was getting a job! I was so worried I would get stuck in another position where I didn't even want to go, I didn't enjoy it, and I felt like the degree and work I've put in was for nothing. Well... I'm happy to say that I found a position that I am SO happy to have. I am working in Payroll at Truman State University. I was so lucky to find a position like this. Truman is one of, if not THE, largest employers in Kirksville. It is able to pay me good enough, offer me fabulous benefits, and possibly actually want me for my degree and experience. I've been working there for a month now, and I'm starting to understand more and not need to ask as many questions. It makes me feel like I'm contributing much more and not slowing everyone down. The people I work with are amazing though and have been so kind to me since the very beginning. I am truly blessed to be able to have this position.
To be honest, I probably haven't blogged in so long because sometimes there's not much to talk about. I could blog about our new place in Missouri (check) and my new job (check) and Matthew's school (kind of check), but the fact of the matter is, at some point we just start to do the same things day in and day out. To kind of help with the redundancy of things, we try to find fun/exciting things to do every once in awhile. Back in August... That fun thing was going to the Kansas City Chiefs game vs. the Green Bay Packers in Kansas City!
Since it was a preseason game, the tickets are much cheaper so we were able to sit closer and not in the boonies. That picture above is of the view from our seats without any zoom! We were about 27 rows up or something... Lots of fun!
The only sad thing was, the game was on a Thursday and I had to work on Friday. So we drove to Kansas City and back in one night. AH!! That probably was a pretty dumb idea but... you live and you learn. :) So on Thursday, I took off from work at about 2:30 and we drove directly to Kansas City. We had a gift card we hadn't used, so we went out to eat at Red Lobster before the game. That was super yummy! Then we drove to the stadium and got to our seats. Let me tell you, it was a preseason game, so none of the "stars" played in the game, but I was totally star-struck the whole time. "Matt, look it's Clay Matthews!" ... "Ah! Look at Aaron Rodgers running to the tunnel!!" ... "Oh man, there's Andy Reid! He's such a great coach, I love Andy Reid!" ... "Can you see Alex Smith? Ah! There he is, the one in the hat!" It was pathetic, guys, but it was so much fun. The only down side (besides driving 6 hours in one night) was it was SO HOT! I don't know what was up with that week, but it was so hot! We survived, but man, it would have been nice if it was cooler. :)
This was my picture of Vince Young. I have loved him since Texas beat USC and he ran in the game-winning touch down. I hated USC... haha too bad Vince Young got cut from the Packers the next week. :)
Overall, it was a really fun game. We were hot and we were dreading the drive home, but it was a fun game. We got to see some decent football, we saw the chiefs win (and probably became fans), and spent a fun night together with just the two of us! Here are more pictures:
The Chiefs celebrating their win!
Matthew and I after the game was over
Our newest team to cheer for. :)
I'm not going to lie, it's a lot of fun having not just one but TWO football teams to cheer for in Missouri. I know they usually say Kansas City, Kansas, but it's basically in Missouri. Since we don't have a football team in Utah, it's been kind of fun to have a "hometown team" to cheer for! Who knows, maybe I'll start watching baseball and cheer for the Cardinals too! I will never cheer for Sporting KC since I will always be a ReAl fan (and am already looking into trying to get tickets to see them play when they come out here next season), and there isn't an NBA team for us to cheer for either (but we would always cheer for the Jazz too), so we are in a good place! :)
I am going to wrap this up, but life is good! We are having fun and we have our lives figured out for the most part. Matthew has a test tomorrow and has his big block exam/midterm on Friday to kick off Fall Break next week! I obviously have to work all week, which bites, but Matt's parents are coming out to see us, and I am SO excited! I am glad Matt will have someone to keep him busy while I am at work and then hopefully we'll be able to get some fun things in at night when I get home. I will be taking Monday off, and we will be in Nauvoo on Sunday and Monday, so that will be fun to get to spend at least one full day with them! I won't make any promises, but I will try to take more pictures while they're here and update after they leave. That's it for now though.
Well, I've finally sat down and taken enough time to blog about Matthew's White Coat Ceremony! This is something A.T. Still has just recently started doing (I think?) and it was actually a pretty cool ceremony and everything! The day started out with everyone going to campus and the guests went to a "guest orientation" where we were told how to support our loved ones through medical school. We learned about the Student Advocate Association (SAA) and everything they offer. Let's just say, the SAA is like 90% of the reason why people who have spouses (or significant others) choose to attend KCOM for medical school. It was a fun morning for the girls, even though I already knew most of it. Then Matthew and I went back home and got dressed and ready for the white coat ceremony that afternoon.
The ceremony was actually at Truman State in their auditorium, and it was really nice! The students all went to a separate classroom while the guests found their seats in the auditorium. It was kind of nice not being in a huge group, so I only had to find one seat. Well, as luck would have it, I was sitting close to the aisle where the students came in and so I was able to get a good picture of him as he came in!
Doesn't he look so good?? Such a handsome man!
The ceremony itself was pretty cool. I didn't pay attention most of the time, but it was crazy to just get things started and come to the realization that this is really happening! For the past year, I have felt like this day would never come. We always said we were moving to Missouri and we always said that Matt is going to medical school, but it has finally started! So after a few people spoke, the students all took turns going on stage, saying their name and what school they graduated from. Then they brought their white coat to the dean and she put it on them and then they walked across the stage the rest of the way.
Matthew after receiving his white coat and shaking hands with the dean.
It was a pretty fun kick-off to the first year of medical school and it definitely made everything much more real. I am so proud of Matthew and all of his hard work that has gotten him to where he is today. After the ceremony, we just took pictures outside for awhile and then we went to the school for an ice cream social. I tell you what, this school is the greatest ever! They find a reason to have socials for EVERYTHING! It is the best. :)
Matthew and I after the white coat ceremony
Side note: Check out my shoes in the picture above! We went to JCPenney when we first got here and I found these cute heels! They are the tallest shoes I have ever owned in my life. They are seriously like 3-4" heels. I kind of love them, but usually only when I'm around Matt. Around anyone else, I just feel HUGE. :) Anyway, that's all with that.
(Almost) all of the Utah State boys who are 1st years at ATSU. There is one more who we couldn't find for the picture
A bunch of the friends we have already made so far.
Love this picture. Can't wait to take another in 4 years. :)
The above picture is of a lot of the med school wives I have met so far. I can't say enough about all of these girls. It has only been a few weeks of living here, but I can already tell I am going to have some of the best friends in the world out here. It is amazing how quickly we have all been able to become friends and relate to each other. We get along so well and I can't wait to go on this journey together! (This is just a picture of the first year wives, I have some incredible friends whose husbands are second years too. I'll post pictures of/with them ASAP.)
And here he is! Student Dr. Matthew Thomas Wright! :)
And so it has begun. 2 weeks of medical school under our belts. I know this year may be really, REALLY tough sometimes, but I also know it will make Matthew and I much closer in many ways. I will post another update about our actual life soon, but just know all is well here!
I remember living in Utah before moving to Missouri and people asking where Matthew and I were moving. I would tell them we were moving to Missouri and I think at least 75% of them said this exact line: "Missouri!? Sounds more like misery to me..." Well, folks, Matthew and I have lived here for a week now and I think it's safe to say... I think we're going to like it here! So let's start from the beginning, shall we?
Last Monday, we loaded up the trailers. Notice how I said trailerS? Yeah... We had 2. My dad was kind enough to let us drive his truck out, so we towed the biggest trailer U-haul offered with his truck and then we towed a smaller trailer with our little gutless wonder. So we picked up the trailers and Matthew's dad came over and him and Matt worked their mattress and stuffed those trailers full! Seriously, I can't even explain it, I wish I could show you everything that was inside of that trailer! It was awesome!
First trailer loaded in that NASTY heat!
This little helper came over with her mommy and daddy right as we were finishing up! (Impeccable timing!) haha but seriously, people, look at that ADORABLE thing!!!! So cute it's unfair! I will miss her lots! And her mom and dad too. :)
Second trailer all loaded and ready to go!
Tuesday morning we woke up bright and early and headed out! Matthew and his dad were in the truck and my mom and I were in my car. The first day we decided to stop in Denver and stay with Angie, Keith, and their kids. Well... the trip took A LOT longer than expected. Instead of taking 8 hours, I think it took like 11 or something like that. Once we got there, it was great. I got to play with Jackson and Layla and Angie made us some delicious dinner. I was glad we decided to make our overall trip just a little bit longer by stopping in Denver to spend the night there. It was fun to play with Jackson and Layla and catch up with Angie. (Thanks for letting us stay the night, Ang!)
The next morning we woke up bright and early once again and headed east to Missouri! We left at about 6 AM and drove all day through eastern Colorado (freaking ugly!), Kansas (not as bad as I thought) and then got to Missouri! It was fun to ride in the car for so long with my mom and chat the whole time, but I did get angry once during the trip because it was taking FOREVER! We didn't get into Kirksville until 10:30 PM. Seriously, it was such a long day! When we got in, we immediately started unloading everything. We had a neighbor across the street who came right over and offered to help us and then Matt had 2 friends from COT who came over to help. I was shocked that there were so many people willing to help us so late at night. It was definitely a good beginning to our stay here. We got everything unloaded and into the house and then unpacked just enough to set up our beds for the night.
The next day was the 4th of July. I had found a 5K being run that morning, and I REALLY wanted to participate. Since we got in so late, it took a little convincing for Matthew, but we ended up going and it was lots of fun. I was surprised with the turnout! Matthew took 2nd place overall (surprise, surprise) and I did... decent. Not great. Haha but it was lots of fun anyway!
Matthew and I at the 4th of July 5K
After the race, we watched a little parade at the square and then we drove around the town and the campus and everything so our parents could see.
ATSU! Matthew's new home for the next couple of years!
After driving around town for a little while, the rest of our day/week consisted of unpacking, organizing, and decorating, as well as about 5000 trips to Walmart for things we kept forgetting we threw away. It was so fun to see our little home come together and I was so grateful for all of the help we had in those early-on days. We couldn't have gotten as much done as fast as we did without all of that help. So here are some pictures of our new home! :)
Family room/TV area
The other side of that room (new entertainment center that now has a new TV in it)
Dining Area
Downstairs/Guest Bathroom
Kitchen
Guest Bedroom (This actually looks different now, but... you get the idea!)
Our bathroom upstairs
Other side of our bathroom
And our front entryway complete with the engagement picture we thought we lost... Haha
So I haven't taken pictures of our bedroom or our office yet, but I will eventually, Those rooms are basically set up, but I don't feel like I have really perfected them yet, so I haven't taken any pictures.. :) I will post them again when I get a chance.
Just so this isn't a marathon post like mine usually are, I will just conclude with some bullet points:
We LOVE our ward and all of the people we have met so far. Everyone is so happy and friendly here and I have been so blessed with the people I have met so far.
I'm still on the hunt for a job to keep me busy during the day while Matthew is at school. No luck so far, but thankfully I've been able to keep busy for the past little while.
I think I have only made dinner a couple of times because we have been invited over by so many people to have dinner with them.
The humidity! Ok, I know it's just Missouri, but holy cow! I feel wet ALL. THE. TIME! Haha ok, not ALL the time, but it is very... different.
Matthew had his white coat ceremony on Saturday afternoon. I will do a separate post on that later. (Hopefully soon though!)
First day of medical school TODAY! I don't really know what to expect for the next few months/couple of years, but I am excited that Matthew FINALLY gets to start chasing the dream he has worked so hard to achieve! He is beyond ready to tackle med school, and I am ready to love and support him through it. :) Wish us luck!
By the way... Just to clear things up, Missouri is NOTHING like misery. At least Kirksville isn't. I actually am REALLY happy here. :)
Ok, so I think that's about it for now. Like I've said before, I am going to try to blog more frequently now that we live farther away from family. Let's hope I can do it!
And so it begins! Today we are packing up everything and getting ready to head out to Missouri TOMORROW! I can't even believe it. It doesn't seem real at all and I can't even believe it's happening. I am definitely going to try MUCH harder to blog since we will be so far away, but I will have to neglect the good ol' blog until we get everything situated with the internet... I'll do my ode to Utah later. So long, Utah!
**WARNING! This is extremely long and at times you may think it is TMI, but this is my blog and my life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty. If you don't want to see the bad and the ugly, don't read this.. :)**
As I sit down to write this, I'm still not even sure I'll ever post it for the public eye to see. Matt says writing everything down can be therapeutic. He says that many women go through this same thing, and sometimes it's refreshing for them to hear from someone who has gone through it themselves. I am hoping maybe by going through hard things, that opens me up to be able to empathize with others who are going through it. It is really easy to feel alone when you go through hard times and feel like you are the only one to have ever gone through this or feel this way. Well, going through this I not only realized that I'm not the only one to have gone through this and in a lot of ways it can always be worse... So even if I never post this story, I will at least save it for my own records and for me to look back and reflect on this experience later in life.
On Saturday March 2, 2013, I woke up and decided I was just going to do it. Matthew and I had been trying to get pregnant for about 8 months. We figure that birth control really did a number on me. My periods only come every 6 weeks, and birth control forced me to go to every 4 weeks. You can see how this would cause a problem once going off of birth control. Anyway, I had been feeling nauseous for a couple of weeks (among other "pregnancy symptoms" I won't go into detail about), and decided I was going to take a pregnancy test just to see. I hadn't hit the point where I had missed my period, but I was too curious and I pretty much knew I was pregnant. Well anyway, I took the test and I found out that I was indeed pregnant! I went in to the bedroom where Matthew was and freaked out telling him there were 2 lines instead of just one. We were SO excited to finally have a positive pregnancy test. We did the math and found out I was due on October 30, 2013 and I was about 5 weeks along at the time, I believe.
Fast forward about a week. We decided to tell our parents and our grandparents first. They knew we were trying and we thought it would be nice to have their prayers in the early stages of a pregnancy. They were all so excited for us. Grandpa Stanley cried and jumped up and down and hugged us so tight I thought my eyes could pop out. I cried every time we announced it to someone new because I was just so excited. Maybe someday I'll get around to posting how we announced it to the families. But that is not what this is about. A couple of weeks later, we announced it to siblings, and then about a week later we announced it to aunts and uncles. We only went as far as family until my first appointment.
My first appointment was scheduled for April 8 at 10 AM when I was almost 11 weeks pregnant. I had never had or seen an ultrasound before, so I was so nervous and excited to see my baby for the first time. I was excited to hear that tiny heartbeat and see a new life being created inside of me. We went in to Dr. Horsley's office. They called us back and we waited in the next room. Dr. Horsley came in and we chatted for a little while. Matt is going to the same medical school that Dr. Horsley graduated from, so we talked about that a lot. He was SO excited to hear that we were expecting. The first thing we were going to do was go back to ultrasound. I was glad I didn't have to wait much longer. We went back to the ultrasound room and waited for Dr. Horsley there. He came in and got ready to do the ultrasound. We started and he made a joke about how my bladder was full and he could see it on the ultrasound. Then the room went quiet. I waited and waited to hear that tiny heartbeat and looked and looked for my tiny baby... Nothing. Then Dr. Horsley spoke up. "So..." and then a pause. He turned and looked at me and put his hand on my arm and said "I think you had a miscarriage. I am so sorry..." All of the feeling left my body. I couldn't feel my body or really focus on anything. He went on to say that it looked like my baby had stopped growing at about 7 weeks and my body just hadn't gotten rid of it the way that most other women do. I was completely blindsided. I figured everything would be just fine because I hadn't bled AT ALL. The only inkling that I had that something was wrong was that my nausea had subsided a few weeks before. I didn't feel sick anymore. And here I thought I was just one of the lucky ones who didn't get very sick while pregnant.
Dr. Horsley gave me some tissues and said he would give us a minute and then he'd come back and talk about the options. I remember Matt grabbing onto my hand and pulling me back down to reality. I cried and cried and cried. I was completely in shock and I had a really hard time grasping the fact that this baby I had dreamed about and loved and everything was just... Gone. There was just some problem with that tiny little body that made it so that it stopped growing. Dr. Horsley came back in and talked to us for a little bit. In all honesty, I don't remember most of it. I remember him telling me that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have prevented it. He then told me about the options. This was part of "having a miscarriage" that I wasn't prepared for. I wasn't prepared to have to make a decision on how to kick the tissue and everything out of my body. I had 3 options: wait for my body to kick it out by itself, take medicine to kick it out, or have the surgical procedure called a D&C. You can read details on those at those links. Because my baby was lost about 3 weeks before and had yet to kick it out, waiting even longer was not an option for us. Dr. Horsley said beyond that, it was our decision. He said he was 99% positive that I had lost it, but we tested my blood anyway to make sure my HcG levels were indeed going down. They drew my blood on Monday, then again Wednesday, and then he would call me Wednesday night to tell me the results and we would decide what to do from there. He gave me a big hug, told me he was so sorry, and sent us on our way to... heal or something.
It is safe to say that day was probably the worst day of my life. After I got home, I got a call from my mom. She knew our appointment was that morning and was worried when she didn't hear from us for awhile. I answered the phone already crying and told her what happened. I was a mess. She talked to me for a little while, tried to console me, and then told me she would take care of telling the rest of the family so that I didn't have to. That was actually a huge relief. We hung up and I just sat on the couch... Probably for the rest of the day. I got texts from my siblings telling me they loved me and were so sorry and I cried every time. My dad called to tell me he loved me and I cried some more. Matthew and I both didn't go into work, and he just stayed by me all day and let me cry on his shoulder. My sister, Nicole, came over after work and as soon as I saw her, I started bawling and so did she. We talked about the options and I told her I didn't know what to do. I was so angry I had to make a decision like that after hearing that I lost my baby. I didn't want to have to do that, I just wanted to be left alone to accept what had happened and be able to move on from there. I didn't like either of my options. I didn't want to have a surgical procedure, and I didn't want to put medicine in my body that most people said "basically sends you into labor". Oh yeah, did I mention that the D&C costs $3000?? Yeah... We don't exactly have that much money either..
That night, Matthew and I crawled in to bed to try to get some sleep. I was still pretty depressed from the day, and Matthew could definitely tell. He pulled me in and grabbed the computer to play me a song. This is what he played for me:
It was SO good and just what I needed to hear. I have always loved Elder Holland, and that song was so powerful. It spoke directly to me. I cried through the whole thing, but it also gave me the strength that I needed to get through the upcoming week. We said our prayers and called it a night.
Tuesday was a normal day. We both went to work and I just tried to keep my mind busy. Matthew sent me flowers and that was the only time I cried all day during work. No one at my work (except for my boss, who wasn't there that day) knew I was pregnant, so I didn't really have to break the news to everyone, which I think maybe helped. On the one hand, you want everyone to know what you are going through, but on the other hand, I just kind of wanted to fade into the background and be left alone.. So that is what I did.
The week got kind of crappy from there. I went in to the doctor on Wednesday to have them draw my blood again to test my levels and then Dr. Horsley called that afternoon to talk about the options. He told me that my levels had gone down and that it was actually a pretty significant decrease and he wouldn't be surprised if it passed pretty soon. I told him that waiting wasn't really an option at that point. I consulted with him and told him my concerns about both and then he said he didn't think the medicine was as bad as I was picturing (or as bad as the internet was telling me it was). So we decided to move forward with the medicine and he called it in. He told me to call him the following day to update him on what was happening and if everything seemed to pass to schedule an appointment to come in.
That night I took the medicine just before bed in hopes that everything would happen while I was sleeping. Well... it didn't and I woke up at 6 AM to... we'll just say everything happening. The cramping sucked, but it seemed like everything passed pretty quickly, so I called the doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for about an hour away. I showered and the bleeding seemed to slow down quite significantly (sorry, TMI??), so I thought the worst of it was over. I went to the doctor and they took me straight back to ultrasound to be sure everything had passed without any problems. While in the office, I started bleeding pretty heavily again. Like, way bad, but for fear of grossing everyone out, I won't expound on that. Dr. Horsley came to do the ultrasound and said it looked like everything was gone but there was still quite a bit of blood in there so he wanted to take me back to an exam room to make sure everything was ok. So we waited there for the medical assistant and I started feeling extremely dizzy. The kind of dizzy that you feel when you stand up too fast, except for I was still sitting down. I laid down on the table to try to make it go away and then the MA came in. I told her I was bleeding really bad and I needed to go to the restroom and change my clothes. She helped me get up and then Matthew walked me to the bathroom (literally 10 feet away). I got the the doorway of the bathroom and got really dizzy again, so I leaned up against it to try to see clearly again, and that is when everything went blank.
From my perspective, I went to some sort of swirly twirly land kind of like you would see in Willy Wonka. There was weird music playing and everything was extremely colorful. I felt like I had been there for awhile. from Matthew's perspective, he put his arms underneath my armpits when I leaned up against the door frame, and then I was just dead weight in his arms. I didn't fall backwards, I just dropped straight down. Everyone in the hospital kept saying how glad they were that he was there to catch me because it could have been much worse had I hit my head or something. So I woke up to the MA kind of tapping my face saying "stay with me". That was actually super freaky to me for some reason. I thought I had died or something! Matt brought her a wet rag and she put it on the back of my neck and that really helped snap me back to reality. I didn't really know where I was or what I was doing before then. So Matt sat next to me on the floor and held my hand and another MA came and sat next to me and talked with me. They called a guy from the ER over, and he took FOREVER to come over. When he got there, he called someone else on his walkie talkie and said "hey, I think I'm going to need you to bring me a wheelchair or something, this is more serious than I originally thought". So he took a little bit of blood to test my hemoglobin levels (they were worried I had lost too much blood and would need a transfusion or something) and then he started me on an IV. The IV helped a lot and my color started to come back to my face (at least that's what everyone was telling me). So then they wheeled me to the ER for Dr. Horsley to do an "emergency D&C". I was so upset that after everything I had been through, I still ended up having to have the procedure done anyway. I was glad that the nightmare was almost over though.
Well... it wasn't that bad. They gave me loopy medicine and I was kind of out of it for most of the time anyway, so I'm glad for that. Matthew was with me the entire time and the staff in the ER was fabulous. One of my nurses had actually had lost a baby much, much later than I lost mine and she talked with me for a little while and was so sweet. There were so many tender mercies along the way, I can't even begin to describe the comfort that I found in all of them. My physical nightmare was over, and it was time for the emotional healing.
I guess this is my emotional healing. Sitting here, typing it ALL out. Most people like to keep their hardships private and they think it's personal, but talking about it is actually very therapeutic for me. It has really helped me to accept what has happened to me and what my reality is and move forward from there. Just like how being pregnant becomes much more real when you say "I'm pregnant", not being pregnant only became real to me when I had to speak the words. It was really, REALLY hard at first, but I am getting better.
I spoke in Stake Conference about 3 weeks after this happened and my topic was "hope in times of despair". I decided to share my story. I didn't tell the whole story with the ER and everything because I didn't need to. When talking about the gospel, it is not the times of despair that we should focus on; it is the hope that comes when we are going through those times of despair. Never before in my life have I had to go through something so hard that made me rely on others and on the gospel so much. My testimony is so much stronger after going through this than it was before. I wish I didn't have to go through trials to gain a stronger testimony, but unfortunately, I do. I realized going through this whole thing that God does exist and he is with us every step of the way, no matter how dark the moments are. As I said before, here were so many tender mercies shown to me along the way, I know they weren't coincidences. It was God's hand working miracles in my life; showing me that he is there for me. I found so much hope during this experience, and I am so grateful for that. I am grateful for my trials (only after they're over) because I know who I become and how much stronger I become as a result of my trials.
Matthew and I will have kids someday. I know that. They will be the cutest little devils you have ever met. They will probably be extremely naughty and I will look back on this someday and think "why did I want children so bad??", but I will love them with all of my heart. I have been made promises, and I know that those promises will come true for me someday. It may not be by my timing, but when is it ever exactly by our timing? I am grateful for the gospel in my life and everything it does for me. I don't know where I would be without it.
So lastly, here are a few of the tender mercies I experienced, not all of them, just some:
1. My husband. Seriously, have I mentioned how perfect he is? He was my rock through this whole situation. There were nights when he would just hold me and comfort me and tell me everything would be ok. He went to the doctor's appointments with me and even had to catch me when I passed out. Thank goodness blood doesn't make him queasy because he wouldn't have made it through this with me. I can't imagine having to ever go through this alone, and I sure hope no one ever has to. I pray that everyone always at least has SOMEBODY, and then I could only hope they were as amazing as Matthew.
2. My doctor. Not everyone gets to have an incredible doctor like Dr. Horsley. He is a member of the church as well as an incredible doctor. He brought me answers from a medical standpoint as well as an eternal standpoint that were so comforting to me. He cares so deeply about his patients and shows that every time. He always took the time to answer all of my questions and ask if there was anything he could do for me. I know he was an answer to my prayers and I am sad I won't be able to keep him as my doctor now that we're moving.
3. My family. When we found out that we were pregnant, there is always the question of "when do we tell everyone else?" There is always a very real possibility of losing the child, and everyone knows it. I couldn't imagine NOT having them know that I was pregnant when I had my miscarriage. The support that I received was incredible. The texts, calls, visits, meals, flowers, gifts, everything! It was incredible, I can't even list all of the service I received from my family. I definitely never felt alone, they always made sure I knew they were there for me. I love my family so much.
4. I consider it a tender mercy that I passed out in the hospital and not at home and that Matthew was there to catch me. I was able to receive immediate care and I was surrounded by such competent people.
5. Every woman I encountered who was able to say to me "the same thing happened to me". I found so much strength in those people. I loved when I could look at the children they have now and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
6. My assignment to speak in Stake Conference was another tender mercy. I was "forced" to study the topic of finding hope in times of despair when I needed it the most. It was one of the elements of my recovery that helped me the most.
Like I said, I'm sure there were thousands more that I may even add later, but this is what I have for now. I am grateful for this experience and I am grateful that it is... "over". I'm grateful for the people who helped me through it. I hope that someone will find hope in my story and know that they are not alone the way so many women did that for me. Pray that we get pregnant again soon and that we can hold onto it, ok? :) I'll be praying hard too. If you made it all the way to the bottom, congratulations, and thanks for reading. I should definitely go now. Until next time.
Ok, so I'm a few days late, AND I haven't blogged in forever, but I'm working on it. I have a post in the works, but I need to write for my SECOND anniversary. On our anniversary, I didn't do too much besides reminisce about the past 2 years and especially June 4, 2011. I went running in the morning (something Matthew and I love to do together) and then I sat down to eat breakfast. While eating, I watched our wedding video... TWICE. I am still a hopeless romantic. I love it. I love everything about weddings, especially MY wedding. It was the most perfect day of my entire life. I can't really think of anything I would have changed. Even the weather was PERFECT that day! Literally everything was PERFECT, and I am so glad I have a video that I can giggle through that brings back all of the feelings from that beautiful day and pictures from our entire dating history. Each picture has so many memories and most of them make me laugh my head off. Nothing beats the live video from our wedding day though. It lets me go back in time and feel all of the same feelings I had on that day.
So in love with this man...
I did have a major realization while watching my wedding video though... I had no idea what I was getting myself into on June 4, 2011. I had no idea what love even was on that day! I feel like our love on that day was merely scratching the surface of what it COULD be in the grand scheme of things. I don't think our love today is near perfect, but I also can't believe how much stronger it is today than it was 2 years ago. We have been through some tough stuff this year, but we have also had some incredible accomplishments. With each failure and each accomplishment, our love only grows. I love Matthew more than my words could EVER describe. He literally is my best friend and I don't know that I could ever live without him in my life.
Isn't he so good looking!?
This is a super mushy post, but it is true what they say.... Absence does make the heart grow fonder! Matthew is at Air Force training this month, and I missed him way bad on our anniversary. I felt like it was a huge day for me, but no one else really feels the same significance as Matthew and I do, which is understandable! I did get to talk to him for a little bit that night, as I do every night, and that made things a little better. He is doing SO good, guys. He is such a stud and he literally has success written all over him. He is such a hard worker and I don't know how I got so lucky. He tells me cute things, makes me laugh so hard, and always makes everything seem right in the world.
We're so cute, right?? :)
Marriage is such a big deal. I feel like I always kind of down-played it. I loved the idea of a wedding and was so excited for mine. Only when I met Matthew and we started getting more serious did I realize what a huge deal it was. And even though it is a huge deal.. It was actually one of the easiest decisions I have ever made in my life. I literally just knew he was perfect for me in every way and I could live with him. What I didn't realize, however, is as time has gone on, the "ability to live with him" has truly turned into feeling like I can't live without him.
So, just to wrap this up... As if there was any question as to how much I love my husband... Rest assured, I love him VERY much. More than probably anything else in this world. We may not be perfect (I, for one, am far from it), but we definitely accept each other's imperfections. We work together, make decisions together, and we have a love that can't be beat! We're going to be together forever, and that's all there is to it. I am so grateful that we were sealed in the temple. It was so special to me to be able to have Matthew's grandpa perform our sealing. Every time I go to a family sealing now, I get to hear him perform that ordinance again and all of the memories come rushing back. That is such a special opportunity that I had that not very many other people get to have.
Love you, Matthew! Here's to eternity!
I am so proud of my air force officer, soon-to-be doctor, and I can't wait for year 3!
