"Someday everything will make perfect sense... Someday."

**WARNING! This is extremely long and at times you may think it is TMI, but this is my blog and my life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty. If you don't want to see the bad and the ugly, don't read this.. :)**

As I sit down to write this, I'm still not even sure I'll ever post it for the public eye to see. Matt says writing everything down can be therapeutic. He says that many women go through this same thing, and sometimes it's refreshing for them to hear from someone who has gone through it themselves. I am hoping maybe by going through hard things, that opens me up to be able to empathize with others who are going through it. It is really easy to feel alone when you go through hard times and feel like you are the only one to have ever gone through this or feel this way. Well, going through this I not only realized that I'm not the only one to have gone through this and in a lot of ways it can always be worse... So even if I never post this story, I will at least save it for my own records and for me to look back and reflect on this experience later in life.

On Saturday March 2, 2013, I woke up and decided I was just going to do it. Matthew and I had been trying to get pregnant for about 8 months. We figure that birth control really did a number on me. My periods only come every 6 weeks, and birth control forced me to go to every 4 weeks. You can see how this would cause a problem once going off of birth control. Anyway, I had been feeling nauseous for a couple of weeks (among other "pregnancy symptoms" I won't go into detail about), and decided I was going to take a pregnancy test just to see. I hadn't hit the point where I had missed my period, but I was too curious and I pretty much knew I was pregnant. Well anyway, I took the test and I found out that I was indeed pregnant! I went in to the bedroom where Matthew was and freaked out telling him there were 2 lines instead of just one. We were SO excited to finally have a positive pregnancy test. We did the math and found out I was due on October 30, 2013 and I was about 5 weeks along at the time, I believe.

Fast forward about a week. We decided to tell our parents and our grandparents first. They knew we were trying and we thought it would be nice to have their prayers in the early stages of a pregnancy. They were all so excited for us. Grandpa Stanley cried and jumped up and down and hugged us so tight I thought my eyes could pop out. I cried every time we announced it to someone new because I was just so excited. Maybe someday I'll get around to posting how we announced it to the families. But that is not what this is about. A couple of weeks later, we announced it to siblings, and then about a week later we announced it to aunts and uncles. We only went as far as family until my first appointment.

My first appointment was scheduled for April 8 at 10 AM when I was almost 11 weeks pregnant. I had never had or seen an ultrasound before, so I was so nervous and excited to see my baby for the first time. I was excited to hear that tiny heartbeat and see a new life being created inside of me. We went in to Dr. Horsley's office. They called us back and we waited in the next room. Dr. Horsley came in and we chatted for a little while. Matt is going to the same medical school that Dr. Horsley graduated from, so we talked about that a lot. He was SO excited to hear that we were expecting. The first thing we were going to do was go back to ultrasound. I was glad I didn't have to wait much longer. We went back to the ultrasound room and waited for Dr. Horsley there.  He came in and got ready to do the ultrasound. We started and he made a joke about how my bladder was full and he could see it on the ultrasound. Then the room went quiet. I waited and waited to hear that tiny heartbeat and looked and looked for my tiny baby... Nothing. Then Dr. Horsley spoke up. "So..." and then a pause. He turned and looked at me and put his hand on my arm and said "I think you had a miscarriage. I am so sorry..." All of the feeling left my body. I couldn't feel my body or really focus on anything. He went on to say that it looked like my baby had stopped growing at about 7 weeks and my body just hadn't gotten rid of it the way that most other women do. I was completely blindsided. I figured everything would be just fine because I hadn't bled AT ALL. The only inkling that I had that something was wrong was that my nausea had subsided a few weeks before. I didn't feel sick anymore. And here I thought I was just one of the lucky ones who didn't get very sick while pregnant.

Dr. Horsley gave me some tissues and said he would give us a minute and then he'd come back and talk about the options. I remember Matt grabbing onto my hand and pulling me back down to reality. I cried and cried and cried. I was completely in shock and I had a really hard time grasping the fact that this baby I had dreamed about and loved and everything was just... Gone. There was just some problem with that tiny little body that made it so that it stopped growing. Dr. Horsley came back in and talked to us for a little bit. In all honesty, I don't remember most of it. I remember him telling me that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have prevented it. He then told me about the options. This was part of "having a miscarriage" that I wasn't prepared for. I wasn't prepared to have to make a decision on how to kick the tissue and everything out of my body. I had 3 options: wait for my body to kick it out by itself, take medicine to kick it out, or have the surgical procedure called a D&C. You can read details on those at those links. Because my baby was lost about 3 weeks before and had yet to kick it out, waiting even longer was not an option for us. Dr. Horsley said beyond that, it was our decision. He said he was 99% positive that I had lost it, but we tested my blood anyway to make sure my HcG levels were indeed going down. They drew my blood on Monday, then again Wednesday, and then he would call me Wednesday night to tell me the results and we would decide what to do from there. He gave me a big hug, told me he was so sorry, and sent us on our way to... heal or something.

It is safe to say that day was probably the worst day of my life. After I got home, I got a call from my mom. She knew our appointment was that morning and was worried when she didn't hear from us for awhile. I answered the phone already crying and told her what happened. I was a mess. She talked to me for a little while, tried to console me, and then told me she would take care of telling the rest of the family so that I didn't have to. That was actually a huge relief. We hung up and I just sat on the couch... Probably for the rest of the day. I got texts from my siblings telling me they loved me and were so sorry and I cried every time. My dad called to tell me he loved me and I cried some more. Matthew and I both didn't go into work, and he just stayed by me all day and let me cry on his shoulder. My sister, Nicole, came over after work and as soon as I saw her, I started bawling and so did she. We talked about the options and I told her I didn't know what to do. I was so angry I had to make a decision like that after hearing that I lost my baby. I didn't want to have to do that, I just wanted to be left alone to accept what had happened and be able to move on from there. I didn't like either of my options. I didn't want to have a surgical procedure, and I didn't want to put medicine in my body that most people said "basically sends you into labor". Oh yeah, did I mention that the D&C costs $3000?? Yeah... We don't exactly have that much money either..

That night, Matthew and I crawled in to bed to try to get some sleep. I was still pretty depressed from the day, and Matthew could definitely tell. He pulled me in and grabbed the computer to play me a song. This is what he played for me:

It was SO good and just what I needed to hear. I have always loved Elder Holland, and that song was so powerful. It spoke directly to me. I cried through the whole thing, but it also gave me the strength that I needed to get through the upcoming week. We said our prayers and called it a night.

Tuesday was a normal day. We both went to work and I just tried to keep my mind busy. Matthew sent me flowers and that was the only time I cried all day during work. No one at my work (except for my boss, who wasn't there that day) knew I was pregnant, so I didn't really have to break the news to everyone, which I think maybe helped. On the one hand, you want everyone to know what you are going through, but on the other hand, I just kind of wanted to fade into the background and be left alone.. So that is what I did.

The week got kind of crappy from there. I went in to the doctor on Wednesday to have them draw my blood again to test my levels and then Dr. Horsley called that afternoon to talk about the options. He told me that my levels had gone down and that it was actually a pretty significant decrease and he wouldn't be surprised if it passed pretty soon. I told him that waiting wasn't really an option at that point. I consulted with him and told him my concerns about both and then he said he didn't think the medicine was as bad as I was picturing (or as bad as the internet was telling me it was). So we decided to move forward with the medicine and he called it in. He told me to call him the following day to update him on what was happening and if everything seemed to pass to schedule an appointment to come in.

That night I took the medicine just before bed in hopes that everything would happen while I was sleeping. Well... it didn't and I woke up at 6 AM to... we'll just say everything happening. The cramping sucked, but it seemed like everything passed pretty quickly, so I called the doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for about an hour away. I showered and the bleeding seemed to slow down quite significantly (sorry, TMI??), so I thought the worst of it was over. I went to the doctor and they took me straight back to ultrasound to be sure everything had passed without any problems. While in the office, I started bleeding pretty heavily again. Like, way bad, but for fear of grossing everyone out, I won't expound on that. Dr. Horsley came to do the ultrasound and said it looked like everything was gone but there was still quite a bit of blood in there so he wanted to take me back to an exam room to make sure everything was ok. So we waited there for the medical assistant and I started feeling extremely dizzy. The kind of dizzy that you feel when you stand up too fast, except for I was still sitting down. I laid down on the table to try to make it go away and then the MA came in. I told her I was bleeding really bad and I needed to go to the restroom and change my clothes. She helped me get up and then Matthew walked me to the bathroom (literally 10 feet away). I got the the doorway of the bathroom and got really dizzy again, so I leaned up against it to try to see clearly again, and that is when everything went blank.

From my perspective, I went to some sort of swirly twirly land kind of like you would see in Willy Wonka. There was weird music playing and everything was extremely colorful. I felt like I had been there for awhile. from Matthew's perspective, he put his arms underneath my armpits when I leaned up against the door frame, and then I was just dead weight in his arms. I didn't fall backwards, I just dropped straight down. Everyone in the hospital kept saying how glad they were that he was there to catch me because it could have been much worse had I hit my head or something. So I woke up to the MA kind of tapping my face saying "stay with me". That was actually super freaky to me for some reason. I thought I had died or something! Matt brought her a wet rag and she put it on the back of my neck and that really helped snap me back to reality. I didn't really know where I was or what I was doing before then. So Matt sat next to me on the floor and held my hand and another MA came and sat next to me and talked with me. They called a guy from the ER over, and he took FOREVER to come over. When he got there, he called someone else on his walkie talkie and said "hey, I think I'm going to need you to bring me a wheelchair or something, this is more serious than I originally thought". So he took a little bit of blood to test my hemoglobin levels (they were worried I had lost too much blood and would need a transfusion or something) and then he started me on an IV. The IV helped a lot and my color started to come back to my face (at least that's what everyone was telling me). So then they wheeled me to the ER for Dr. Horsley to do an "emergency D&C". I was so upset that after everything I had been through, I still ended up having to have the procedure done anyway. I was glad that the nightmare was almost over though.

Well... it wasn't that bad. They gave me loopy medicine and I was kind of out of it for most of the time anyway, so I'm glad for that. Matthew was with me the entire time and the staff in the ER was fabulous. One of my nurses had actually had lost a baby much, much later than I lost mine and she talked with me for a little while and was so sweet. There were so many tender mercies along the way, I can't even begin to describe the comfort that I found in all of them. My physical nightmare was over, and it was time for the emotional healing.

I guess this is my emotional healing. Sitting here, typing it ALL out. Most people like to keep their hardships private and they think it's personal, but talking about it is actually very therapeutic for me. It has really helped me to accept what has happened to me and what my reality is and move forward from there. Just like how being pregnant becomes much more real when you say "I'm pregnant", not being pregnant only became real to me when I had to speak the words. It was really, REALLY hard at first, but I am getting better.

I spoke in Stake Conference about 3 weeks after this happened and my topic was "hope in times of despair". I decided to share my story. I didn't tell the whole story with the ER and everything because I didn't need to. When talking about the gospel, it is not the times of despair that we should focus on; it is the hope that comes when we are going through those times of despair. Never before in my life have I had to go through something so hard that made me rely on others and on the gospel so much. My testimony is so much stronger after going through this than it was before. I wish I didn't have to go through trials to gain a stronger testimony, but unfortunately, I do. I realized going through this whole thing that God does exist and he is with us every step of the way, no matter how dark the moments are. As I said before, here were so many tender mercies shown to me along the way, I know they weren't coincidences. It was God's hand working miracles in my life; showing me that he is there for me. I found so much hope during this experience, and I am so grateful for that. I am grateful for my trials (only after they're over) because I know who I become and how much stronger I become as a result of my trials.

Matthew and I will have kids someday. I know that. They will be the cutest little devils you have ever met. They will probably be extremely naughty and I will look back on this someday and think "why did I want children so bad??", but I will love them with all of my heart. I have been made promises, and I know that those promises will come true for me someday. It may not be by my timing, but when is it ever exactly by our timing? I am grateful for the gospel in my life and everything it does for me. I don't know where I would be without it.

So lastly, here are a few of the tender mercies I experienced, not all of them, just some:

1. My husband. Seriously, have I mentioned how perfect he is? He was my rock through this whole situation. There were nights when he would just hold me and comfort me and tell me everything would be ok. He went to the doctor's appointments with me and even had to catch me when I passed out. Thank goodness blood doesn't make him queasy because he wouldn't have made it through this with me. I can't imagine having to ever go through this alone, and I sure hope no one ever has to. I pray that everyone always at least has SOMEBODY, and then I could only hope they were as amazing as Matthew.

2. My doctor. Not everyone gets to have an incredible doctor like Dr. Horsley. He is a member of the church as well as an incredible doctor. He brought me answers from a medical standpoint as well as an eternal standpoint that were so comforting to me. He cares so deeply about his patients and shows that every time. He always took the time to answer all of my questions and ask if there was anything he could do for me. I know he was an answer to my prayers and I am sad I won't be able to keep him as my doctor now that we're moving.

3. My family. When we found out that we were pregnant, there is always the question of  "when do we tell everyone else?" There is always a very real possibility of losing the child, and everyone knows it. I couldn't imagine NOT having them know that I was pregnant when I had my miscarriage. The support that I received was incredible. The texts, calls, visits, meals, flowers, gifts, everything! It was incredible, I can't even list all of the service I received from my family. I definitely never felt alone, they always made sure I knew they were there for me. I love my family so much.

4. I consider it a tender mercy that I passed out in the hospital and not at home and that Matthew was there to catch me. I was able to receive immediate care and I was surrounded by such competent people.

5. Every woman I encountered who was able to say to me "the same thing happened to me". I found so much strength in those people. I loved when I could look at the children they have now and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

6. My assignment to speak in Stake Conference was another tender mercy. I was "forced" to study the topic of finding hope in times of despair when I needed it the most. It was one of the elements of my recovery that helped me the most.

Like I said, I'm sure there were thousands more that I may even add later, but this is what I have for now. I am grateful for this experience and I am grateful that it is... "over". I'm grateful for the people who helped me through it. I hope that someone will find hope in my story and know that they are not alone the way so many women did that for me. Pray that we get pregnant again soon and that we can hold onto it, ok? :) I'll be praying hard too. If you made it all the way to the bottom, congratulations, and thanks for reading. I should definitely go now. Until next time.